I got something on my heart, can I share it with you?
My story begins during my childhood, Richmond CA, a true impoverished community. Growing up I was known for being an honor roll student, voted most likely to succeed, a mentor and the person that always held the biggest smile. I was praised often for my positives, but what really made me who I am today are the negatives that I endured. I was exposed to a significant amount of trauma throughout my upbringing. Would you believe me if I told you I have been shot at twice, witnessed police brutality, experienced discrimination and stereotypes because of the color of my skin, lost a handful of friends before they became teenagers. And all this happened before I even turned 18.
I can’t remember a time where I had actually processed my emotions after these experiences that I went through. Because the burden placed on men is that you can’t show emotions. Crying is weak. Just toughen up. Get through it. Mental health is not a thing for you. I wish someone would have told me that what I experienced was actually trauma and it affects you whether you acknowledge it or not. I needed someone to tell me that the reason I started to overthink was because I was anxious about my safety when I left home. Mental Health was so stigmatized growing up, especially within the black community. Even though everyone dealt with it, no one spoke about it and if they did, all you’d hear was “im good”. Research has found that people of color often experience poor mental health due to reasons such as discrimination and stigma. I never knew how much it would affect me until I got older.
Have you ever had that feeling where something just didn’t feel right, but you couldn’t figure out what it was? Let’s fast forward to September 19th 2019, the day my world turned upside down. I remember waking up in the morning as usual. But this morning was different. This morning I woke up with a barrage of negative thoughts that went against my morals and values. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t get rid of the thoughts. This pattern continued for about two weeks and by that time I realized my world had become much smaller. I began isolating from friends and family, I stopped going out, I envied people who could experience happiness, because life just wasn’t fun anymore. I have always naturally been a thinker when needing to surpass any obstacle. But this time I couldn’t think myself out of this this time I just couldn’t, my mental freedom had changed into a mental prison. I slowly watched the man I created deteriorate and there was nothing I could do.
Sleeping was all I looked forward to each day because I knew, my brain would shut off. I remember so clearly calling my mom and brother every day, sometimes to vent, sometimes to cry, but mostly to tell them my thoughts because I couldn’t handle them alone. It was painful to watch my family in pain because nothing they did would stop the thoughts.
One day I woke up and the first thought on my mind was suicide. I was so scared because I knew that I didn’t want to take my life, but I was so confused because I never imagined that I could get to that point. It was at that moment that I decided something had to change.
That change was me going into therapy. Looking for a therapist was not easy because I felt an extreme amount of shame for two reasons. First being because in my culture it is a saying “what happens in the house stays in the house”, so I felt I was betraying what was embedded into me as a child because I couldn’t handle my suffering on my own. I felt I was betraying my culture in sharing my feelings with others. Second was because I myself am a Mental Health Therapist and not being able to figure out my own diagnosis or understand the symptoms that I experienced made me feel like I was an imposter in my own field that I know and I love. Even with all this shame, I still went forward to find a therapist.
I am so grateful for therapy. Because I was finally able to gain the knowledge needed to identify what it was that I was experiencing. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, specifically Pure O. Meaning everything that I struggled and was crippled with was experienced in my brain and so you’d never notice by looking at me. Maybe that’s why no one could truly see me. No one saw me suffering in silence. I learned that the negative thoughts I hated so much were actually called Intrusive Thoughts, which we all have. Mines just present at a much higher severity and they’re harder for me to detach from. Trying to figure out what triggered my OCD or looking at my pictures wishing I could be that old version of myself again is another known symptom of OCD called Rumination. Surprisingly, when I called my mother and brother everyday this was actually another symptom called Compulsions. Which often gives a short moment of relief, before the anxiety comes swinging back to hit you. A pivotal moment in therapy was when my therapist said, LaVontae you can join Group therapy where everyone has the same diagnosis and they’ve all been able to reduce their symptoms. I cried tears of joy because I realized that I was no longer this unicorn. Somebody could understand exactly what I was going through. This opened the door of hope for me.
But even with group therapy, therapy wasn’t easy because intentionally forcing yourself to do what is necessary when you’re at your lowest is quite a challenge. I attempted the golden standard for OCD, that is therapy combined with medication, but when I had to take and when it didn’t work for me that made me feel worthless. Not to mention that I gained 50 lbs, which was the largest I had ever been in my life. That attacked my self-esteem, It was the first time I hated myself. I hated having to live with these thoughts and consequences that I never asked for.
Can any of you out there relate? If you can, know that my story isn’t just for me, It’s for you. To show that your super power can illuminate even in moments of suffering. My resiliency has always been my gift. And my mental illness does not define me. Nor does yours define you! To anyone dealing with mental health challenges. Just know you’re enough, you’re strong, you’re seen and you will make it through this even if you don’t know how; I’ve been there! If you can find one inch of hope, one reason to keep going, you can get through it.
I know now that mental health does not discriminate. So, I’d like to leave you with this.
“Never judge a book by its cover because you never know what page is being written.“ and no matter what it takes, just ask for help when you need it
Thank you for your time.